Its been a rough 12 hours or so. Lets start with last night:
I couldnt sleep. I was too hot, couldnt get comfortable, and kept thinking about window treatments (yes, what a waste, but I couldnt stop). We have an unfurnished house and a baby coming in about 2 months, and while I was sweating, tossing & turning last night all I could think about was the window treatments in two of our upstairs rooms. To make it even worse, one of the window treatments that had me so concerned was for a CLOSET WINDOW. I am losing it.
Then I wake up this morning and really didnt want to go to this yoga class. Its only 8 weeks or so and I already ditched one class (due to wierd arm pain) and wasnt going to miss another. So I head over there, and the only thing I got to exercise in my 60 minute class was my eardrums (listening to this lady drone on and on). Today she was back on her natural birth talk, specifically about water births. She also talked alot about how hospitals dont let you move, how birthing on your back is the worst position ever, etc. I think we did about 3 stretches in 60 minutes.
Onto the panic attack. Much of what she was talking about was the "pelvic floor". Pregnant women hear a lot about this: we are encouraged to do muscular exercises now in order to prevent injury during labor. In addition, many women experience damange/trauma during labor that is not always repairable. This conversation is not unusual to hear, so it was not one of the things I had a problem with her talking about. The problem was that she gave us some pictures (just sketches, not "real ones") and talked in detail about some different muscles. Thats not the problem either (it actually was quite informative). Here is the problem
I am squeamish. Not just a little ... the kind of sqeamish that makes you pass out at the sight of blood. And its a particular kind of squeamish - it has to be in a "real setting". I can handle most blood/gore in movies (though I dont appreciate it). (I assume this is because I know its not real). In grade school I passed out watching a movie in science class about a pancreas operation. In college I passed out when a kid sliced his finger open (I didnt even see it ... just knew it happened). One time I almost passed out reading a Stephen King novel on the train to work. And today I spent my entire yoga class trying not to pass out because the instructor was talking about the muscles involved and the delivery process. I saw a sketch of some muscles, and she was talking in general about these muscles during delivery, and I almost lost it.
I have had a long-term fear of delivery because of this factor. But I figured that almost all women go through it, its "natural", and everyone (generally) survives the ordeal. I havent really been thinking about the actual event and instead been focusing more on afterwards (how to get the baby to sleep, how to make sure both parents are involved, etc). Today I was forced to actually think about whats going to happen in about 10 weeks and I am freaked. What happens when the person delivering the baby cant keep conscious? I guess I have some questions for the next time I visit my doctor.
Ok, I have to go measure some windows :)
